A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.