I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
You Might Also Like
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
i dont have time for this
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds