oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A double negative is a big no-no.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*