[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
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A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.