Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Fixed this for Shakespeare
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Finally, an explanation.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Very good! 👍😂