When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.