Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.