Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
step 6: release the wall snake
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.