I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
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[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
6. me as a lawyer
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?