Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.