I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.