[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I love art.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.