You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
You Might Also Like
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
This is my bus stop.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Krampus.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.