Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no