[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
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I’m tired tomorrow.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
my dog when i have a friend over
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”