Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
dogs can find happiness so easily
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*