Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.