“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
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A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store