Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
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before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
The human personality is made of five key elements
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades