If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
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basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Ovenable?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.