do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.