It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Snapes on a plane.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.