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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Had an epiphany today.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up