When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.