I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
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tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The best shot in the history of golf
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…