Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
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[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise