Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive