When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
You Might Also Like
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.