Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss