I was very concerned with my Grandma today
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
the noise i just made
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework