All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
You Might Also Like
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork