ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I hope they boil the right one.