When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.