I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times