ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.