[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
not seeing the problem
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are