cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
That’s fair
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day