My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.