Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.