I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
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2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Who called it baking and not making love
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Boom, boom, ching!
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365