[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
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“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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