Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet