*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
mariah carrie
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?