My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Bro what is this
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
For anyone who needs this today
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.