Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Only short people can save us
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.