Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
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Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My first child will be named New Folder.
Cheer up.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup