Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
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Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Reporter: *ports again*
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.