I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.