*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Miscakes
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know