I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened